Retreat

This was my first plant medicine ceremony. Yet I was able to welcome the day without fear or anxiety, because I had deep trust in her.

Even now, when I look back, the land, the space, and the energy of the place were all filled with blessing. It remains one of the most beautiful and special experiences of my life, and the memory is still vivid in my heart.

It truly felt like returning to my original self—returning to the person I was meant to be. Right after the ceremony, the trees before my eyes, the sky above, and even the gentle wind touching my skin all felt incredibly precious. I remember feeling deep gratitude simply for being alive and for being myself.

As time has passed, I have continued to look inward more deeply. I have also begun to notice and appreciate the small changes that appear in daily life. I can feel that the medicine she offered is still alive within me.

For those who will experience this ceremony in the future, I believe their journey will also be filled with love and beauty beyond imagination I offer my deepest gratitude, love, and blessings to Moca and to the medicine.

I was a perfectionist. Until the ceremony, I didn’t even realize it. I believed that being perfect was a virtue, and that not knowing or not being able to do something was something to be ashamed of. But during this ceremony, when all of that was stripped bare—when I was truly faced with it—it was painful. And I realized that I hadn’t even known this part of myself.

The medicine, and Moca, showed me. I felt an incredible sense of clarity, as if my soul had been laid bare. There is no such thing as a perfect human being. We are all incomplete—and that is okay. It’s okay to be unfinished. It’s okay not to have answers.

Since the ceremony ended, I’ve felt my body, my mind, and even the way I see the world changing at an incredible speed. I came back to myself. Right up until the ceremony, I was searching for answers. But the ceremony wasn’t something that gives answers. The medicine knows everything. It purified my soul.

From here on, in my everyday life, it’s about the choices I make and how I choose to live. And when I think about that, I feel an overwhelming excitement for myself. I never knew that everyday life could feel this alive, this full of wonder.

This world is beautiful. We are able to choose. We have a sense of self. And we are imperfect—and that too is sacred. To the medicine, to Moca, to the energy of the land, to everything that was present in that space—and to everything that exists here and now—I send my love.

I wanted to become someone who truly lives my own life. It may sound like something obvious, but I wasn’t able to do that.

For the sake of my partner, for my mother—whenever I was with the people I loved, I would naturally fall into self-sacrifice. Even though I wanted to stop, I couldn’t. In the midst of that struggle, I chose to take part in the ceremony.

When the ceremony began and I first saw the world within myself, it was only for a moment, but honestly, I was overwhelmed with fear. Even so, Moca supported me within that space and stayed close to me, which gave me a deep sense of reassurance.

I could strongly feel that she was there with me, and that presence meant everything. With her support, that inner world gradually transformed into a place filled with warmth. I simply felt what was there, received it as it was—it was just deeply, overwhelmingly warm.

I was receiving something I truly needed. The love that existed there was something I could simply accept, and it brought a sense of familiarity, as if I was remembering something I had always known. It felt like I could receive it simply by surrendering myself.

At the same time, I realized—not just intellectually, but through my whole being—that I had been rejecting love. I came to feel, “I have always been loved. I am someone who is loved.”

Even after the ceremony ended, when Moca said to me, “Thank you for trusting,” tears naturally began to flow. I felt so full—grateful that she allowed me to trust, and that I was able to trust myself. Even after returning to daily life, that feeling has continued to take root within me, day by day. Now, the choice to care for myself arises naturally, and I am able to gently choose it.